The eye of the beholder

Maybe it's being in one's thirties that does it. A friend of mine says she felt more confident when she turned 30 (though for me the overriding emotion was a slight panic that I didn't yet own any anti-wrinkle cream. Aren't women supposed to start using this in their early twenties, I pondered with the stomach-churning realisation of one whose ship has sailed? What sight would greet me on the fated birthday, mocking my blatant disregard for this youth-saving regime? Luckily there was no spell cast overnight: I still look about 17 in certain lights. Beauty marketing - nil; Fiona - 1 ).

But what does change (I think) is that as we get older, we worry less about how others see us, and the concern shifts towards how we see ourselves - or more importantly, how we feel being ourselves.

I realised this today as I pondered two potential new employers, and found myself wondering how each would look on my CV. From adolescence on we're told that doing x will "look good", but at this age, what's more important: carefully plotting out my career so I can land my dream job at the age of 65, or pursuing what is for me, in the words of Fat Boy Slim (even if I have bent the meaning slightly), right here, right now?

Does my husband care if I come home pleased that I've chalked up another day's experience that will stand me in good stead in decades to come? Or does he care that I come home happy, fulfilled and energised from a great day's work in a nice place with inspiring people? I walked past a mammogram bus today and nodded at my future, knowing one day I'll be stopping in for a check-up. And almost every day I recall the habit of one of my favourite role models (a true tale from a radio phone-in about rituals): my guy peeks open his eyes each morning, steals a mischievous glimpse at the world, and triumphantly exclaims: "Yes! I've lived to see another day." What an attitude.

Now of course, carpe diem only takes one so far. Yes, we shouldn't be so short-sighted that we jeopardise the future. But neither should we be so focused on the future that we jeopardise the present.

So next time you make a job move, forget your CV. So long as you've got your anti-wrinkle cream safely in the cabinet.