Sunday 13 November 2011

Tryin' to make some sense of it all

...but I can see it makes no sense at all.

Do we set about our own chain reactions?

Do we instigate butterfly effects each day,
noticing a few,
but oblivious to
the million more ripples we're causing?

Or does the great grandfather clock of time
always know what it will bring
with each pendulum swing
and leave us to ride the momentum?

I don't quite know what to do with it all. Negotiating my now appendix-less darling husband down a steep downhill slope yesterday, a friend told me that it's actually really hard to tip someone out of a wheelchair. Are we all tentatively pushing our own metaphorical wheelchairs, careful not to upset the balance of the universe, when in fact our influence on cosmic events is tantamount to a whisper in a whirlwind?

No, I can't quite believe that. Individuals can change the world. Individuals should change the world.

I've had my own world views shifted this year (and I don't just mean that I flew round the back of the map - turns out you don't fall off the right-hand side, folks), and while it's terribly unfamiliar and therefore highly uncomfortable, it would be wrong to reverse it. As I've said elsewhere, change is great so long as you're the one causing it. But sometimes it leads us down awkward paths. Sometimes it completely challenges our life philosophies, as Hamlet sought to warn Horatio. Sometimes it even makes our friends attempt to write poetry. :)

So where are we landing today, dear reader? I truly don't know. Mostly my endings practically type themselves, but not this time. Earlier this month, I declared on Facebook that I was feeling at one with the stormy Sydney weather, stating that things just didn't feel right. There was something rotten in the state of Denmark, indeed. Quite literally. New Year, new start? Quite possibly.

But for now, I'm off to sleep. Perchance to dream...


Monday 7 November 2011

Learning to fail

"I'm keen to learn new things," I confidently said in the interviews. "Take on new challenges", "add to my skillset" - no doubt you've proffered similar sentiments yourself at various times, dear reader. Like attracts like, so they say (sociologically speaking, that is - let this one go, all you physicists) - so I write this post knowing my loyal readers are fellow questioners, debaters, and lifelong learners.

"I'd like to fail please," is, however, the unfortunate translation. Last week I tried a couple of new "challenges", and found myself confronted smack bang with my own inexperience not once but twice - and it hurt (both times).

My instinct, I'm quite ashamed to say, was to walk away. I have enough hobbies that fall within my comfort zone - why on earth was I stumbling around on unsure footing, driving feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately going home disappointed in myself (and vocally so, much to the delight of my poor ear-sore husband)?

Now, afore-mentioned husband countered that I couldn't really expect to be able to stand on one leg for a full 10 seconds in my first ever bikram yoga class, and that did make me feel a little better. :)

But in all seriousness: the other failing wasn't quite so easily dismissed. When it was pointed out (ever so kindly) where I hadn't met the mark on a personal (non-physical) exercise, I could only marvel at how easily I'd got it wrong. My first attempt at a second version too fell slightly short, so, like the repeated balancing acts in the yoga session, I had to demonstrate my weakness several times before I finally got it right.

I didn't like the feeling at all. It was embarrassing; I felt that I could see my mentor's view of me diminish a little, and the normal spring in my step was that little bit less carefree. But the story ends well, dear reader: fortunately I successfully gaffa-taped up the little defeatist voice in my head, and completed my piece to full satisfaction in the end.

Now, of course, I am grateful. My embarrassment was minimal; I've learned from my mistakes, and I've now most definitely "add[ed] to my skillset". Right up there (and my message, to those of you who ever so kindly believe there might lurk a message in these random witterings of mine), is this latest top tip: always keep plenty of internal gaffa tape.

And as a final note: I won't agree with the X-factor mentality that "my journey" was the best bit of this whole experience - how ridiculous. I'll stay right here, thank you very much - basking in the smug satisfaction of knowing that next time I'll get this kind of homework right the first time. And that I was able to write this whole post standing on one leg.*
 

* Some facts in this post may not be 100% accurate. :)